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family.
 

A Letter

Dearest Facility,

How have you been? I heard things aren't going that well with the in-laws. My sincere condolences to your in-laws.

I'm sorry that you are only able to gush at the baby calender your thoughtful sister-in-law (SIL) got you and not at a real oh-my-gosh-he-is-so-cuuute baby of your own. We all know how much you love babies.

I'm disappointed to find out that you did not invite me to the bitchfest you've been organising in conjunction with the one your spouse is holding. Heard that you two were battling for your mother-in-law's attendance to the not so exclusive festival. Man, she must have felt so comfortable in the position you two put her in.

Oh, how's your weight management? I hope you've managed to lose the pounds you've always wanted to. But alas, reliable sources have told me you are far from reaching your ideal figure. Do not depress! I'm sure you will find ways to console yourself. You know like put down your slender and youthful SIL.

Speaking of your SIL, remember how you used to treat her like your own? Yeah, whatever happened to that? Is it the hormone pills you've been taking or do you just need someone younger to pick on to make yourself feel better? Maybe you should carry your non-authentic fake luxury bag and go hang out with your not-so-pretty friends, because that's what SIL does (except that she actually carries a authentic fake luxury bag (which is much much better made) and hangs out with drop-dead gorgeous girls with fantastic personalities to boot). Never mind girl, because according to you, she's gonna look hagard very soon with that super slim face of hers. You know what, you should just binge more and puff up your face so much that you will never encounter that problem!

Before i end off, have I ever told you I absolutely adore your name. It's like so totally easy to recall! And it runs off the tongue so smoothly, as if i'm reciting the multiples of two. I'm sure your father-in-law would agree with me since he's been calling you Facility since Day One.

Write to me soon yar? Unless of course you are too busy plotting against your next victim.


XOXOXO



There

  1. Blogger furple | 1:06 PM |  

    ohmigoshomigoshomigosh

    muahahahahahahahaa

    i love you guys! (just hope you-know-who never reads this. *paranoia*)

    *re-reads it*

    heehee! you're a genius, flabby!

  2. Blogger frisky | 1:21 PM |  

    I KNOW! bwahahah. my stroke of genius was inspired by your frustrations babe.

    people, behold, my longest blog post. ever. :)

  3. Blogger feline | 10:57 PM |  

    briiiiiiiiiliant.